One decade of bean soup. One decade of re-using dental floss. One decade of "cinema experiences do not exist, concerts to not exist, restaurants do not exist, all that exists is bean soup and work.
Yes, it predates even starting estrogen, and began somewhere around Real Zebeth 19 or 20. I never brought it up directly back then, because it was more of a personal... struggle, though most of the 40 someodd strips after that basically indicate struggles in life. But somewhere around there (kinda wish I'd kept track of the post date back then but maybe it's a blessing that I don't know exactly where it happened in the archives).
I'd like to move on, but one more anecdote, just to get it off my chest. At my worst, right around the start of survival mode, I starved myself, not literally, but... spiritually? Emotionally? I'm not sure what word to use there. I dove flat into bean soup mode. Like... to a disturbingly harsh level. At my worst, my reward to myself for one week of solid effort, of applying for jobs, of attending resume seminars, of attending job faires, my reward for one week of significant effort... was one single sugar candy. One sugar candy, which I would savour, and then that was it. I would tell myself no more until another week had passed. It still brings a... lowness to my heart, to think of that. It's hard to describe, I'm sure there's a word for it. Hopelessness and desperation and just absolute bare-minimuming myself to survive.
And the comic continued. As per usual, as per always, my art brought me happiness. I was always happy when making the comic, or making my carvings, or chainmaille. That's why this desperation didn't make its way into the comic and art, my comic and art were the only things pushing away the desperation.
And slowly, I left that... unfathomably deep state, and bought the occasional... thing, or something, I dunno. I still re-used dental floss (yes, I know it's only like... 0.0001 cents per strand, that's what this surival mode does to you), I still ate bean soup (or fish soup originally, which became bean soup when fish prices went up), but... I can't even recall at this point (July 27 2026 making this page), but like... I dunno, a book maybe, I hesitate to bring up the trans-based tattoos or ear piercings mentioned in Real Zebeth, those were borderline necessary for me. Like... an Erlenmeyer flask mentioned in rz038. I went to the bar/club a number of times, generally only nursing a single drink all night. A lot of clothing was given to me by friends, but I discovered the local food bank, which also supplied clothing. A bit disjointed this paragraph, but I'm kinda scanning through the Real Zebeth strips for hints of what I might have bought.
In either case, I settled in, found my new normal, ate my bean soup (and eventually cheese sandwiches, which Abby really liked, so like... I had to have cheese, it was literally an *anything* other than bean soup, and far, far cheaper in England!)
And slowly, as I saved up, as life somehow became less of a struggle, as hopelessness disappeared, I began to buy things. I have a whole pile of Dungeons & Dragons books, looking around the room... umm... I have a vintage sickle that I bought online, a cool, fancy brass shoehorn. A number of other books, the Blame! manga series (see Kabucam gallery - The Blame! manga series reobtained). Not... not a whole lot more. A few wall posters, I think a toy or two. Generally speaking everything mentioned, the sickle, a Rubik's cube, cost like... $20 or less. The manga series was pricy, but that brings me to my next paragraph:
And then we started getting fancier things, or more things. A few books (again with the books lol), Britney Spears and Paris Hilton perfumes, things to eventually re-open the shopfront, and the most shocking thing of all to myself... that Peridot dice set. That... just... I could barely even conceive of purchasing a three-digit object. Like, thinking back on it, even still thinking on it now it... just... how? How could I even feasibly spend £300/$500? On dice?!?!? On a non-edible?!?!?!?!?
And that was the first sign. The first sign that my brain was getting ready to leave survival mode. Like... thinking about it *now*, yah... other people have spent a three-digit number on a thing. Video game consoles exist (see pics above lol). Heck, people might buy a... I dunno, fancy vacuum cleaner or something. That option can't exist, hasn't existed for a long, long time. I could barely cope with this mentally.
• One last little thing, before concluding this here. Why did I start survival mode? What actually... drove me into that choice. Attempting to start my business. I had been laid off, I had a bit of savings, let's try livestreaming for a living! Let's see if I can make my art on livestream, and support myself off of that! It wasn't even desperation at the time, it was a positive choice, to keep my savings going long enough for the stream to take off. That didn't happen, a *whole lot* of bad hit, and it became a choice to remain in survival mode in desperation. And that's where it sat. It became like a warm blanket over me, comforting me, in a bizarre way. It saved me, and I thanked it. But... it's time to move on.
The dice was the first sign. I didn't even know it at the time, the sheer... concept of leaving survival mode wasn't even a blink in my mind yet. It was a wild, semi-impulsive purchase that made me feel so good, even still looking at that frame on the wall. And slowly, after that, my brain began to wake up to the idea of wait... maybe... maybe I *can* leave survival mode. And then I bought the equally ludicrous Pokemon Pikachu 2 GS. And that hangs on a shelf for the most part, beside the dungeons & dragons books. And with that purchase, the idea was more fully awoken. Leaving survival mode. I thought at that point, ok, I'm not.. I'm not quite ready just yet. I know I'm close, but I... I dunno, I need to see something else. I can't do it yet, I need to wait. And I had pondered in Real Zebeth 85 that the third sign would be a new smartphone, something mundane. Turns out it wasn't (I'll probably use that IPhone X for another year or two, and my brain wanted to leave survival mode by like... somewhere around August). It was a Gameboy. An original, black and green screened Nintendo Gameboy. And I'll tell you why; for just as frivolous and fun a reason as the others. Metroid II: Return of Samus just doesn't hit the same with colour, or in the GBA's black and white option. It's just... more atmospheric, more claustrophobic, more... eerie and scary in original black and green. So ENTIRELY to play Metroid II in black and green (my favourite Metroid game btw... the first Metroid game to actually scare me with the appearance of a Metroid, and also spider ball). And so... our three signs of leaving survival mode:
Sign 1: Purchasing of the Chessex Rainbow Green Peridot dice set (February 16, 2026)
Sign 2: Purchasing of the Pokemon Pikachu 2 GS (May 5, 2026)
Sign 3: Purchasing of the Nintendo Gameboy (July 25, 2026)
(technically when they arrived, I didn't want to consider that sign "complete" until it was actually in my hands)
And even making this page... it feels... cleansing. Like a washing over my back. My head feels light, almost dizzy in a way. I think it's my brain like... releasing the struggle. Releasing desperation. Hopelessness has been disappearing slowly over time too, and this feels like the final stage. And it is.
And it feels good ❤️
